Not knowing what is going to happen.
With the kids.
with me.
I don't think shawn will be able to have the kids for as long as i need him to have them.
i need to make a fresh start.
I am scared.
I don't have interent at home anymore.
i have been keeping my blog at home on Word. i will transfer when ever i can.
when i leave my comeputer will be gone however i will be keeping the hard drive becuaswe i have tons of pics and videos on there.
my mom will be here soon from Alberta to see me and help me get ready for evertyhthing before i go.
I am trying to be ok.
i am trying not to let everyone know exactaly how fucked up i really am.
but going back to the whole not know ing if things are reall or not i don't think i know exactaly how fucked up i really am
maybe i am not at all.
I am not messed up
i don't have a problem
oohhh i spent two grand in a few days on crack.
so i did a few 8 balls a day
is that really so bad.
i am starting to think it isn't
Maybe i am not an addict.
maybe i don't need help
i just need to clean my place and go back to work and i will be fine.
I don't need help
That is what the voices are telling me.
every day they are getting louder and louder, they are getting harder and harder to ignore.
will they over power me.
maybe it is not voices but just my own thoughts and i can't tell the diffrence
Am i too fucked up still to know the diffrence.
maybe i am not seeing things maybe all the things i am seeing are really there.
I don't fuckng know.
i dont'
if i thought they were not real then i would say something
if i thought that they were real then why would i say anything for they are real and i have no reason to think that anything was wrong
i feel like a fucking burden on everyone\
i feel like a child who can't do anything
i am not alowed anything
i have to ask for everything
i am grounded
I don't know what i want
i don't understand what i want
is all of this in vain
is everyone just thinking that i am over reacting
i think everyone is over reacting.
i don't need help
why am i not feeling more pain.
why is the withdrawl not more there.
why am i not going threw what is suppose to be going threw.
This is all not real.
if it was then i would feel pain.
i would feel bad that i lost my kids.
i would feel bad that i lost my home
i would feel bad that i lost my money
i feel nothing
i feel ashamed that everyone thinks i have a problem.
i feel bad that the popo spent time and money looking for me
i feel bad that ppl that i loved where scared for me.
but i don't feel bad at the same time.
does that make any sence.
I understand now.
non of this is real.
it is a dream.
it is someones thoughts for a book.
maybe this is a movie however this would be a pretty fucked up and boring movie
I dont' know what this is.
One day i will wake up and i will have my hair.
one day i will wake up and the kids will be home.
one day i will wake up and my home will be mine again
one day i will wake up and all of this will be over and no one will think that i am a crack head.
I know why i am not feeling pain
i know why i am not hurting for hurtting ppl
i know why i am not feeling the way i am supose to feel.
I am not an addict.
i am not a crack head.
this is why i can't taste
this is why the gray is there
with is why the wall is up and stronger then ever.
this is why i don't feel guilty
There are no voices in my head.
that is me. the real me trying to get threw to the fake me that is right here right now.
The things and ppl that i am seeing that are not there are.
it is the real world trying to get ahold of me.
I can see threw into the real world.
this is not reality.
i can do anything in this world.
for it is not real.
none of this is real
nothing
i understand now
i really do
i have to find me.
i have to find where the real world is.
i have to find where the real me is.
i don't remember where i left the real world.
i don't remember when the last place i was that was real.
I need to find.
i need to back track.
This world is not real.
this world is not mine.
the gray is not real.
i need to get out.
i need to find me
i need to go back.
how do i get back.
i need to find out how to get back.
be carefull what you say to the world, it can help you or it can hurt you.
Be carefull what you do in the world it can help you or it can hurt you
Be carefull who you talk to, who you trust. they can help you or they can hurt you.
What i am saying are tools that you gain through out life.
what happends when you don't get the tools you need to survive with when you are younger.
You are suppose to learn them in life.
I don't understand what is going on.
I don't understand what is going to happen
I don't understand what is going on in my head.
It is amazing how
how anything can work.
I don't know if what i see is real
i don't know if what i hear is real.
are they voices in my head telling me to do things.
Telling me to stay gray.
the wall is harder and stronger.
i thought it was going down.
it was going down.
I live in a life of gray and black and white.
I don't know if gray is part of the black and white.
i dont' know if the gray is good.
i dont' know if the gray is there to help break up the black and the white.
has it always been there.
is it new.
i dont' know what to make of the gray that is surrounding me
cutting off my air.
cutting off my voice
cutting off my feelings of love, of have, of friendship.
I don't know what to do.
everything is vauge.
evertyhing is to soft for me to hear
for me to understand
I don't know what i am suppose to do.
am i hear, am i real,
is this all a big dream.
Have you ever had a dream where you can't run, everything is in slow motion, you try to yell but you are quiet, you gain on something or someone and it just getts farther and farther away from you.
That is my everyday.
am i going crazy,
are the drugs making me go crazy
will i run again.
i am scared to be alone.
once again i am not talking about dieing.
am i a burden on my frineds
on my family
the popo have better things to do then worrie about some drugged up person who didn't know what to do
I don't want to hurt anyone,
I don't want to make anyone cry
and i have.
i have not cryed for me.
is that wrong.
i can't see through the gray
the wall is getting bigger and bigger.
is this all real?
I don't belive it is real
is this a dream.
am i still in my car.
did i even leave.
i don't remember
i have seen the pics of the bank.
i don't remember being there.
i don't remember going to work
i dont' remember getting the the car.
i don't reember frineds of Brad.
i don't rememeber calling hte number.
i called james, i rememeber that
the car breaking,
the person telling me the cops are comming
i don't know if it was reall.
i don't know if this is real.
should i try.
what are the voices telling me to do.
run
run far run again,
i can't i can't i will lose, this time i would lose, and i can't lose.
for if this is real then i must try,
for if this is real, i could lose.
if this is real i could die.
I don't want to die.
I wanted to in the car.
i tryed to in the car.
i didn't know how.
i didn't want anyone to see me.
i didn't want anyone to find me.
what was i doing there.
why did i do it.
i don't remember
i can't tell what is real and what is not.
i treat everything as real.
i am trying hard to be nice.
i am ignorning the voices telling me to run
telling me to do harm
how long can i hold the voices off.
how long have they been there.
have they always been there.
everything bad i have ever done, was it them, was it them telling me what to do.
what about the good that i have done. was that me, was it the voices telling me to do good.
Why can't i remember.
i don't understand why i can't rememeber.
what have i done.
Have i hurt someone.
was it a dream.
the blood the screaming.
i don't understand
the dream it hauntes me.
is this a dream as well.
I don't think i could do anything bad.
i can't hurt ppl..................
i don't rememeber i don't understand.
I don't know if i want to
Maybe this is a dream.
i can't taste anything.
everything is going so slow.
everything is in a gray tasteless slow motion
I should be hurtting more.
Why am i not hurtting enough.
why am i not crying for hurtting my friends
for hurtting my family
for hurtting my kids
for hurtting sex muffin.
why am i not feeling bad for this.
why am i not feeling more pain for the loss of druggs in my system.
I don't think any of this is real.
Maybe it is and the drugs i took where not real.
I don't need help. maybe i am fine.
maybe i don't have a drug problem.
I should feel something
anything
why don't i feel it.
making me think none of this is real.
I am confused.
I am doing what everyone is telling me to do.
but i don't know if the ppl are real or not.
are the phone calls real.
if the conversations are real.
am i hear,
what is this dream?
All i know is that i want out of this dream.
i don't want to see the ppl i don't want to hear the words.
i want to feel something.
i don't want to see the gray.
i want to see the color.
Nothing has changed.
I want to run.
How my kids would hate me.
They are the only reason i am still here.
I am not talking about dieing but running
I want to run.
I want to get clean
I don't want this drug to keep me anymore.
I can't do it alone.
I can't do it here.
I am in a trap
steal walls all around me
there is no door
there are no windows
there is no sound except my cries which no one can hear echo threw my soul
So alone
Losing everything slowly not knowing what to do.
I am sorry for everything that i have done
I want to run run far and fast
just get in the car and go
pack a bag and go.
thinking i am going to work
Thinking i am going for coffee
I am gone
foot on the gas a tear in my eye
not knowing where the road is going to take me
I am so scared
Should i run
Will the kids be better off with their dad
or with a drugged up mom.
I can't take proper care of them
they need someone who will make sure that they have everything that they need
Do i tell him that i am leaving or just go.
leave a note
is this my note?
Will i leave tonight.
i am too scared to.
I can't do it alone
no one will come with me.
leave everything that they have here
just clothes.
Everything i look at is just nothing
it all doesn't mean anything
I don't want anything
I want to be free.
I can't leave my kids i love them too much
I can't give them everything that they need
I am becoming a bad person
a bad mother
i have lost friends
i have lost money
i have lost my best friend
I don't know where i could go.
what can i do
where do i run to
how do i start over.
mom
adam
can they know about my secret
can they know about the drug that controls my life.
do i call her and tell her that i am leaving everything, everyone, my children
How will they feel.
Mom left us.
Will they understand?
Will they want to understand.
I need to get clean.
I need to get away from all of this.
Should i ask her to call.
Call for the children
because someone has to.
I can feel myself slipping.
Slipping into something i don't know how to get out of.
Slipping into something i don't know what is.
I am trying to grab hold of something, anything, and everyone is there, everything to hold is there.
I am grabbing and grabbing but nothing is working.
Nothing is good enough to hold on to.
Nothing i do is good enough, I am trying i am trying as hard as i can,
Nothing is good enough. I am just not good enough,
Not good enough at work, with the kids, with home, with James,
I don't know if what i am feeling is pain or....................alone.........or fear.
Even my thoughts are not enough.
Just to be here is hard.
just to get out of bed, to eat, to talk with ppl.
To try to make everyone happy.
I am not good enough.
Been too long
I know that it has been too long, And it has,
I do feel bad about it.
Lots of shit has been going on here,
Some good some bad,
here is one of the good things
mmm can't seem to get the pic up.
weird
anywho his name is James and i met him at work,
I was his trainer and we seemed to click right away.
spending time together and now we are dating.
it is weird
We are going threw a pretty rough patch right now.
For some of you who don't really know, it really is not my place right now to chat about it. and for those of you who do know us you know why we are going threw this rough time.
Also i am still battling the flu which sucks ass,
Around here it is really bad this year, ppl are calling in sick left right and center, it is lasting about 2 months this year.
The kids are doing good.
We had this massive battle with head lice my god i fucking hate having to deal with it.
Andrew isn't in Taekwando this year, it is just too expensive for me to keep him in there 160 every three months now really if you think about it, that isn't a lot of money but for someone like me who really doesn't make a lot of money it is. plus the tests and the belts i just can't keep up and pay for everything at the same time.
My stomach has been killing me the last two weeks.
lol me and james thought that i was pregnant however a quick test to day determend that i was not, which is a good thing considering i got my tubes tied 8 years ago. lol
So that is a good thing, but now we still have to figure out why i can't keep anything down,
two weeks it has been today that i can't keep anything down, that is of course if i even eat,
I have lost wieght i don't know how much though Sex muffin is the only one with a scale and it is broken so you really don't know if it is telling you the truth or not.
So i will just wait and see.
tomorrow we are going to go and get some of them meal replacement drinks and see if i can keep them down,
just nothing heavy in my stomach, i took a vitiman the other day and it was too heavy for me and up it came. hell i can't even keep milk down.
We will see how that goes.
Work is going good too.
it was rough going there for a bit, i had to miss two days work and then they fucked up on my paycheck and said that i missed three days work,
eeekkk but i left a note for the boss hopefully it will get fixed soon, they are pretty good about doing shit like that.
because when you make the crap money that i do every penny counts.
