Quannah's thoughts

Nothing has changed.
I want to run.
How my kids would hate me.
They are the only reason i am still here.
I am not talking about dieing but running
I want to run.
I want to get clean
I don't want this drug to keep me anymore.
I can't do it alone.
I can't do it here.
I am in a trap
steal walls all around me
there is no door
there are no windows
there is no sound except my cries which no one can hear echo threw my soul
So alone
Losing everything slowly not knowing what to do.
I am sorry for everything that i have done
I want to run run far and fast
just get in the car and go
pack a bag and go.
thinking i am going to work
Thinking i am going for coffee
I am gone
foot on the gas a tear in my eye
not knowing where the road is going to take me
I am so scared
Should i run
Will the kids be better off with their dad
or with a drugged up mom.
I can't take proper care of them
they need someone who will make sure that they have everything that they need
Do i tell him that i am leaving or just go.
leave a note
is this my note?
Will i leave tonight.
i am too scared to.
I can't do it alone
no one will come with me.
leave everything that they have here
just clothes.
Everything i look at is just nothing
it all doesn't mean anything
I don't want anything
I want to be free.

I can't leave my kids i love them too much
I can't give them everything that they need
I am becoming a bad person
a bad mother
i have lost friends
i have lost money
i have lost my best friend


I don't know where i could go.
what can i do
where do i run to
how do i start over.
mom
adam

can they know about my secret
can they know about the drug that controls my life.
do i call her and tell her that i am leaving everything, everyone, my children
How will they feel.
Mom left us.
Will they understand?
Will they want to understand.
I need to get clean.
I need to get away from all of this.

Should i ask her to call.
Call for the children


because someone has to.

posted by quannah @ 10:40 AM