With the kids.
with me.
I don't think shawn will be able to have the kids for as long as i need him to have them.
i need to make a fresh start.
I am scared.
I don't have interent at home anymore.
i have been keeping my blog at home on Word. i will transfer when ever i can.
when i leave my comeputer will be gone however i will be keeping the hard drive becuaswe i have tons of pics and videos on there.
my mom will be here soon from Alberta to see me and help me get ready for evertyhthing before i go.
I am trying to be ok.
i am trying not to let everyone know exactaly how fucked up i really am.
but going back to the whole not know ing if things are reall or not i don't think i know exactaly how fucked up i really am
maybe i am not at all.
I am not messed up
i don't have a problem
oohhh i spent two grand in a few days on crack.
so i did a few 8 balls a day
is that really so bad.
i am starting to think it isn't
Maybe i am not an addict.
maybe i don't need help
i just need to clean my place and go back to work and i will be fine.
I don't need help
That is what the voices are telling me.
every day they are getting louder and louder, they are getting harder and harder to ignore.
will they over power me.
maybe it is not voices but just my own thoughts and i can't tell the diffrence
Am i too fucked up still to know the diffrence.
maybe i am not seeing things maybe all the things i am seeing are really there.
I don't fuckng know.
i dont'
if i thought they were not real then i would say something
if i thought that they were real then why would i say anything for they are real and i have no reason to think that anything was wrong
i feel like a fucking burden on everyone\
i feel like a child who can't do anything
i am not alowed anything
i have to ask for everything
i am grounded
I don't know what i want
i don't understand what i want
is all of this in vain
is everyone just thinking that i am over reacting
i think everyone is over reacting.
i don't need help
why am i not feeling more pain.
why is the withdrawl not more there.
why am i not going threw what is suppose to be going threw.
This is all not real.
if it was then i would feel pain.
i would feel bad that i lost my kids.
i would feel bad that i lost my home
i would feel bad that i lost my money
i feel nothing
i feel ashamed that everyone thinks i have a problem.
i feel bad that the popo spent time and money looking for me
i feel bad that ppl that i loved where scared for me.
but i don't feel bad at the same time.
does that make any sence.
I understand now.
non of this is real.
it is a dream.
it is someones thoughts for a book.
maybe this is a movie however this would be a pretty fucked up and boring movie
I dont' know what this is.
One day i will wake up and i will have my hair.
one day i will wake up and the kids will be home.
one day i will wake up and my home will be mine again
one day i will wake up and all of this will be over and no one will think that i am a crack head.
I know why i am not feeling pain
i know why i am not hurting for hurtting ppl
i know why i am not feeling the way i am supose to feel.
I am not an addict.
i am not a crack head.
this is why i can't taste
this is why the gray is there
with is why the wall is up and stronger then ever.
this is why i don't feel guilty
There are no voices in my head.
that is me. the real me trying to get threw to the fake me that is right here right now.
The things and ppl that i am seeing that are not there are.
it is the real world trying to get ahold of me.
I can see threw into the real world.
this is not reality.
i can do anything in this world.
for it is not real.
none of this is real
nothing
i understand now
i really do
i have to find me.
i have to find where the real world is.
i have to find where the real me is.
i don't remember where i left the real world.
i don't remember when the last place i was that was real.
I need to find.
i need to back track.
This world is not real.
this world is not mine.
the gray is not real.
i need to get out.
i need to find me
i need to go back.
how do i get back.
i need to find out how to get back.
posted by quannah @ 10:14 PM
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