Be carefull what you do in the world it can help you or it can hurt you
Be carefull who you talk to, who you trust. they can help you or they can hurt you.
What i am saying are tools that you gain through out life.
what happends when you don't get the tools you need to survive with when you are younger.
You are suppose to learn them in life.
I don't understand what is going on.
I don't understand what is going to happen
I don't understand what is going on in my head.
It is amazing how
how anything can work.
I don't know if what i see is real
i don't know if what i hear is real.
are they voices in my head telling me to do things.
Telling me to stay gray.
the wall is harder and stronger.
i thought it was going down.
it was going down.
I live in a life of gray and black and white.
I don't know if gray is part of the black and white.
i dont' know if the gray is good.
i dont' know if the gray is there to help break up the black and the white.
has it always been there.
is it new.
i dont' know what to make of the gray that is surrounding me
cutting off my air.
cutting off my voice
cutting off my feelings of love, of have, of friendship.
I don't know what to do.
everything is vauge.
evertyhing is to soft for me to hear
for me to understand
I don't know what i am suppose to do.
am i hear, am i real,
is this all a big dream.
Have you ever had a dream where you can't run, everything is in slow motion, you try to yell but you are quiet, you gain on something or someone and it just getts farther and farther away from you.
That is my everyday.
am i going crazy,
are the drugs making me go crazy
will i run again.
i am scared to be alone.
once again i am not talking about dieing.
am i a burden on my frineds
on my family
the popo have better things to do then worrie about some drugged up person who didn't know what to do
I don't want to hurt anyone,
I don't want to make anyone cry
and i have.
i have not cryed for me.
is that wrong.
i can't see through the gray
the wall is getting bigger and bigger.
is this all real?
I don't belive it is real
is this a dream.
am i still in my car.
did i even leave.
i don't remember
i have seen the pics of the bank.
i don't remember being there.
i don't remember going to work
i dont' remember getting the the car.
i don't reember frineds of Brad.
i don't rememeber calling hte number.
i called james, i rememeber that
the car breaking,
the person telling me the cops are comming
i don't know if it was reall.
i don't know if this is real.
should i try.
what are the voices telling me to do.
run
run far run again,
i can't i can't i will lose, this time i would lose, and i can't lose.
for if this is real then i must try,
for if this is real, i could lose.
if this is real i could die.
I don't want to die.
I wanted to in the car.
i tryed to in the car.
i didn't know how.
i didn't want anyone to see me.
i didn't want anyone to find me.
what was i doing there.
why did i do it.
i don't remember
i can't tell what is real and what is not.
i treat everything as real.
i am trying hard to be nice.
i am ignorning the voices telling me to run
telling me to do harm
how long can i hold the voices off.
how long have they been there.
have they always been there.
everything bad i have ever done, was it them, was it them telling me what to do.
what about the good that i have done. was that me, was it the voices telling me to do good.
Why can't i remember.
i don't understand why i can't rememeber.
what have i done.
Have i hurt someone.
was it a dream.
the blood the screaming.
i don't understand
the dream it hauntes me.
is this a dream as well.
I don't think i could do anything bad.
i can't hurt ppl..................
i don't rememeber i don't understand.
I don't know if i want to
Maybe this is a dream.
i can't taste anything.
everything is going so slow.
everything is in a gray tasteless slow motion
I should be hurtting more.
Why am i not hurtting enough.
why am i not crying for hurtting my friends
for hurtting my family
for hurtting my kids
for hurtting sex muffin.
why am i not feeling bad for this.
why am i not feeling more pain for the loss of druggs in my system.
I don't think any of this is real.
Maybe it is and the drugs i took where not real.
I don't need help. maybe i am fine.
maybe i don't have a drug problem.
I should feel something
anything
why don't i feel it.
making me think none of this is real.
I am confused.
I am doing what everyone is telling me to do.
but i don't know if the ppl are real or not.
are the phone calls real.
if the conversations are real.
am i hear,
what is this dream?
All i know is that i want out of this dream.
i don't want to see the ppl i don't want to hear the words.
i want to feel something.
i don't want to see the gray.
i want to see the color.
posted by quannah @ 2:11 PM
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